Fearless.

I'm finally practicing hitting "men", "kote", and "do" with my sensei.  He put on his "mask" and required us to hit his "men" to practice.
When it was my turn, I noticed that I swung my shinai up and when it was time to swing down to hit the "men", I hesitated. 
My sensei was telling me to follow through with the swing movement... and I just couldn't do it.
Over and over, I kept freezing and hesitating. 
I really don't want to use the "girl card" but I noticed the males in my class were just swinging away with no problem.
I was afraid that I would hurt my sensei (although, logically I knew I couldn't hurt him). I think I just wasn't used to walking up to someone and just hitting him/her.
I was so frustrated but I realized that I was using my “female-ness” to justify my shortcomings (I got really disappointed at myself for having self pity because I knew females are just as good as the males).
So, I went home and I practiced & practiced.  I mentally trained and told myself to hit the target.  I needed to stop being scared and stop letting fear take over.

 

In Kendo there is something called “Shikai” or “the four sicknesses” which are:
1. Surprise - I feel surprise when the sensei breaks my mental composure or kamae with his physically strong hits. 
2. Fear - I feel fear knowing that my opponent is stronger (especially the males) and I fear that I will miss my strikes.
3. Doubt - I feel doubt because I am unsure of my abilities and I feel myself holding back. 
4. Hesitation - I feel hesitation with my strikes and put too much thought into it.

I am currently feeling all these “sicknesses”.  The cure is to be of clear mind, to continue practicing and to gain knowledge from fellow kendokas. 

 

I hope to become fearless with time and overcome each of these four sicknesses.